But is the pursuit of happiness as simple as moving your body to the beat of a childhood song? If so our workplaces and homes would be filled with throngs of people singing and clapping to drown out their discontent.

As a girl who  sang every song on Prince’s “When Dove’s Cry” album in the 8th grade to kick sadness out of her life, music can be the change agent to drive away the blues and turn your sad frown upside down.

But to truly maintain your happiness, music alone is not enough.

Use these methods to not only be happy, but maintain your joy when everyone around you is depressed, stressed out and hopeless.

Be grateful

It is difficult to be unhappy when you are in a state of gratitude.  Before you complain about some insignificant person, comment or deed, think about your ability to be free to complain.

The next time you want to murmur or grumble, say this phrase out loud, “I am grateful that I can complain about ___________ (fill in the blank).

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I feel dumb every time I attempt this exercise.

It’s because grateful complaining is an oxymoron. The negative words of complaint and the statement filled with gratitude cancel each other out.

Learn how to forgive

It’s impossible to be happy when you don’t practice forgiveness.  Inevitably people are going to disappoint you, because like you they are imperfect. If you embrace the many instances when you have hurt people, its easier to learn how to forgive others.

Read this article on how to forgive someone, for practical forgiveness tips.

Find passion in your work

Do you know why 80% of Americans are are unhappy at work? They’re in the wrong job or working for the wrong boss. Want to be happy at work? Pick the right position for your personality and make sure that you are not working for a boss who is the incarnation of Cruella de Ville, Leona Helmsely or Michael Myers.

Choose love in small doses daily

When I look into the happy brown eyes of my pampered pooch, or hear my husband singing as he cooks breakfast in the morning, I am so happy that I choose love in small doses daily.  I’m not waiting for February 14th to get roses or chocolate. I consistently look for love in small doses rather than wait once a year to savor the big ones.

Use my suggestions above or design your own, “Be Happy Tools.”  Whether it is singing songs from childhood or humming Bobby McFerrin’s famous tune, you can be happy. You just have to give yourself permission be happy. It’s just as simple as that.

Live well and love yourself,

Its roots are in the past, but if the regret is unmonitored, this residue of unhappiness will direct and affect every step you take in the future. As the emotion that bubbles to the surface of your psyche, during the aftermath of a broken heart, regret makes you want to change the past which is not only daunting, but impossible.

However, I do have a mend-your-broken-heart-solution. As a young 18 year old girl, I was fortunate to learn a powerful phrase from a wise educator in Atlanta that forever helped me to reconcile my past, forgive others and move on.

But first, here is a personal story that will help you mend your broken heart using the “24 Hours of Grief” method.

When I was in my first year of college, my best friend at the time–was a smart, fun-loving, delightful and generously kind young woman.  She welcomed me to the peach state with open arms and invited me into her home as if I was her long lost sister.

Her mother, a wise and proud Southern lady, taught us not only how to dress for special events, cook a mean pot of collard greens and select fine art, but also encouraged and instructed the young women who would gather on her enclosed porch each weekend. As she gave us sweet tea to drink, we would listen to her delightful stories and anecdotes about the miseducation of church folk and the ineptitude of our own beloved kinfolk.

She was our glorious Maya Angelou dispensing life lessons to a captive audience of young and ambitious Oprahs.

But more than the talks, dinners and lessons in culture, class and self-respect, she deposited a simple phrase into our hearts that has become my “don’t live in the past” mantra.

If I close my eyes, I can hear her say with her proper diction and mellifluous toned phrasing, “Ladies, if you want to live well, resolve your past and never have regrets, “with every disappointment and pain you experience in life,  give yourself 24 hours of grief…and don’t look back.”

The “24 hour of grief method” is not so much about feeling good after a spell of heartbreak, but truly learning how to resolve your past and move forward.

As a young teenage girl, I didn’t really understand the power of her life lessons. But beyond the words in this Southern maxim, she was giving us a powerful tool of how to mend a broken heart and live a regret-free life.

But what is 24 hours of grief, exactly?

•    It is 24 hours of unrestricted crying, moaning and complaining about your heartbreak.
•    It’s singing Luther Vandross’ old tune “Since I Lost My Baby”, until you can barely speak.
•    It’s talking to your love council of friends and family about your pain, heartache and disappointment.

24 hours of grief gives you permission to participate in the fullness of your sorrow. But at the 25th hour you resolve to no longer  wallow in your pain, make excuses or live in the past.

At the 25th hour you must move on with your life.

It is important to note that 24 hours of grief does not give you permission to participate in destruction, mayhem, foolishness and all manners of evil and debauchery unbecoming to a lady.

The following activities are also not allowed during 24 hours of grief:

•    No keying of cars, slashing of cars or sneaky-peaky driving by your exes’ house at night.
•    No sleeping with former lovers to erase the pain.
•    No use of drugs, alcohol, food binging or maxing out your credit cards to ease your pain.
•    No participation in any behavior that would land you on the cover of the National Enquirer, make your dignified grandmother want to clutch her pearls or call on Sweet Jesus or make you the perfect guest on Jerry Springer.

Can every hurt and pain be resolved in 24 hours? No. But 90% of the general pettiness, unforgiveness and general disagreements between you and those you love can be resolved in less than 24 hours.

• Hurt by a former friend?  Give yourself hours of grief, forgive and move on.
• Betrayed by a former lover? Give yourself hours of grief, forgive and move on.
• Have a fight with your family member? Give yourself hours of grief, forgive and move on.

I invite you to use this method of healing your broken heart.

24 hours of grief has changed my life for the better. I have to thank my college friend and her elegant mother for a method that I use to regain my sanity, shield me from the burden of regret, and forever mend any hairline fractures in my broken heart.

I will be forever grateful for these two women welcoming me into their family, and introducing me to this method of heart healing and divine restoration, that I now pass on to you with love.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

Girlfriend, I hear you loud and clear.

Maybe you didn’t have an example of a positive male and female relationship in your home. Or find yourself unconsciously attracted to all types of bad boy shenanigans. I can relate to your dating dilemmas.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-Shirt. And threw the T-shirt in the GARBAGE.

Many women, including myself, lacked real examples growing up of what a happy and healthy relationship looks like. But you cannot use the fact of ignorance and non-exposure alone as reasons to tolerate bad treatment.

Here are a few things I did to break the cycle of bad relationships and ultimately start choosing good guys over the bad ones.

Stop saying good men don’t exist.

All you need is 1 good man, not 2, 20 or 2000.  So if you listen to statistics about marriage, divorce and cheating you’ll never find a good man.

The bad specimens of manhood are plentiful and obvious.  Finding a good man takes patience and focus. If you keep repeating to yourself, there are no good men; you will become a bad-man magnet by default.

Check your girlfriends.

Doormat behavior does not begin with men alone. Are bad boys the enemies, yes?  But, as a single girl, I was not only sleeping with the enemy, but the enemies were also my female friends.

Competitive, disloyal and false friends are not exempt from your boyfriend selection process. Whenever I had an affinity for the bad dudes, I was surrounded by terrible girlfriends.   Attracting bad boyfriends like a magnet? Check your 3 closest girlfriends for any signs of secret hatred, jealousy, underlying cattiness, and false encouragement.

Use a bad boy reminder notation system.

In college, I started this system to remember the men I dated and their transgressions. (Usually people, who experience childhood trauma, block out negative experiences to protect their sanity.) I was tired of asking my sister to remind me of who was dogging me this week, so I created a bad boy reminder system.

I’d write the name of the guy on a piece of paper, and add a few words next to his name to help me remember the offense. I also included one or two keywords to help me unleash my anger, so I wouldn’t date him again.

For example:

• 1) Marc - Said he was single, found out he was in a long term relationship with a Delta at Clark Atlanta University - (LIAR - NO POTENTIAL FOR MARRIAGE)

• 2) Tim - Asked me out on a date. Forgot his wallet. Said he left it in his dorm room. Didn’t offer to pay me back. - (CHEAP- LIAR- NO CHIVALRY- UNRELIABLE)

• 3) Dr. T - Needed to crash at my home after our date, because he was working overtime at the hospital and couldn’t drive home. Woke up the next morning, all of his tires were slashed by his ex-fiancé. (FUTURE BABY MAMA MAGNET)
• 
  

Place the bad boy reminder note next to your phone. When someone on this list calls, use this list to respond to their charms by not either responding, or telling them to get lost.(The bad boy reminder system works on bad girlfriends too.)

Surround yourself with a love council of advisors.

Find a group of loving women who are in happy marriage. Happy single women, in serious long term relationships, cannot be honorary love council advisors.

However, each woman in the love council has to be HAPPILY married, not just in the relationship with the man for the ring, prestige or kids.
Ask these women to mentor you. Listen to their advice. Find out their secret selection process. Apply their wisdom to your dating rituals.

You can break the habit of bad treatment from men.

The next time you see yourself falling for the emotional equivalent of Freddy Krueger or asking some man why he didn’t return your 3,000 phone calls or text messages, use my tips to regain your dignity and pride.

You can free yourself from humiliation and doomed relationships with bad men.  Vow to silence your tolerance for unhappiness so you don’t have to be the inspiration for Pebbles’ famous song anymore. 

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

Throughout the course of my almost 40 years of living on this earth, I’ve heard these three words whispered in my ears so sweetly by the men in my life.,“I love you Mechele.”

In which I would quickly and ceremoniously respond to their empty words, I love you too… J, the narcissistic, ego maniacal and pimp in the pulpit preacher, T, the sarcastic and condescending pseudo-Renaissance man and S the know-it-all, game-playing medical doctor.

I said I love you–so easily and so haphazardly–to men just like the ones described above that were absolutely perfect for my woe as me, super-miserable former doormat self. I must admit shamefully that I was an “I Love You Addict.

Do I love being told that I am adored, yes? But what matters more than saying the words I love you is the action behind the words.

Tell me you love me, but show me you care.

Tell me you love me, but don’t take my love for granted.

Tell me you love me, but don’t cancel out those beautiful words with game-playing, cheating, disrespect, and lack of love for me.

The men who said these words were following the man’s dating playbook. Here is how a man usually handles the foolish woman seeking romance without substance.

Read the following excerpt from the”Idiot’s Guide to Dating I Love You Addicts”:

Dear gigolos, players, commitment phobes and emotionally available mama’s boys,

After you’ve been with a woman for at least 6 months, its best to tell her that you love her; because these three words will soothe her Cinderella, fairytale urges for commitment.

Saying I love you after a few months will distract the I Love You addict while you look for someone else; decide whether or not you want to stay with her or contemplate sleeping with all of her sorority sisters.

Sounds familiar?

But here is the real truth. My former boyfriends and I were both to blame.

A man’s lack of love for himself will cause him to lie to you and treat you bad. And your lack of love for yourself will cause you to receive these insincere words as truth.

If his actions show lack of love and respect, how can his words of love and admiration ring true?

So when you meet a man, and as a woman you are subconsciously counting down the days when he says the words, “I love you,” think about whether or not you love yourself first.

Because if you do, his words will only mirror the countless “I love yous” that you should be speaking to yourself every moment of the day.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

That’s right ladies; everything you have or don’t have is based upon what you are tolerating.

No more blaming others for your shortcomings.

No more whining and complaining about any lack in your life.

No more saying to yourself that you can’t find a good man, good job or good pair of sexy stilettos that don’t hurt your feet. (Well,  I’m still working on the comfortable high heel situation myself.)

Want to truly be happy, healthy and wealthy?

Unleash the power of three magic words: “It’s my fault.”

Thought I was going to say the words, “I love me?”  Well that’s important too, but how much you love yourself is directly related to what you will allow into your life, and how much you blame others for your lack of happiness.

Ready to stop being stepped on, passed over or being treated as if you don’t matter?

Gather all the fragmented pieces of your dignity and self-respect by practicing my favorite three words in a sentence.

• It’s not my mother’s fault.
• It’s not my sister or brother’s fault.
• It’s not my father’s fault.
• Or fill in the blank with whomever you are currently blaming for your unhappiness.  It’s not ______________ ‘s  fault.

It’s so much easier to blame someone else for your misery. That’s why most people are stuck in a bad career, bad marriage or bad friendship. Unfortunately, they don’t know how to work the 3 magic words.

If you don’t claim responsibility for everything that happens to you as an adult, you are stripping away your own personal power. Want to become powerful again? Say these words to yourself every morning in the mirror.

“I am responsible for what I have or don’t have. What I am willing to accept is what I get.”

If you are unhappy in any area of your life, you and only you have the power to change it.

No woman likes to hear that the real reason why they are in a bad relationship, have no money, are unhappily overweight, can’t find a decent man or that they don’t love themselves… is their fault.

I’ve heard a few women and even Dallas Cowboy superstar Terrell Owens say this colloquialism out loud, “I love me some me.”

Well, if that is really true,  prove it. Make a promise to yourself to change everything that is wrong in your life using the 3 magic words.

Want to truly free yourself from doormat behavior? Make a vow to never blame anyone else but yourself for your happiness or unhappiness.

I am not telling you to take responsibility for the terrible things that happened to you as a child. That wasn’t your fault.

I’m talking about taking responsibility for every thought and situation that is happening in your life today.

The three magic words will change your life.

Remember anything that you wish for, hope for and accept–for the rest of your life–is all up to you.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

How do I maintain this level of restraint and forgiveness? I learned it as a child.

As a child I discovered quickly, that I am not only the sum total of all my experiences, but how I respond to adversity and pain is more important that the adversity itself.

Most people don’t know that as a little girl I experienced years of physical and emotional abuse. It’s not that I hid it well, otherwise I wouldn’t have been a doormat, but I tried desperately to forget the past and move forward.

As an abuse survivor, I usually presented myself as a fully functioning loyal friend and productive member of society. At other times I was a wounded and self-destructive doormat allowing the pain of my past to seep into my future.

If you placed most of my childhood associates and even college friends in a room together they would all tell you that I am one of the most positive people that you will ever meet.

Was I born this way? No, not hardly. But the one secret to my success is the ability to see the benefits of my childhood craziness without feeling as though I deserved any of the abuse I received.

So what are the benefits of a troubled childhood?

Benefit # 1 – If you had a troubled childhood, you can identify bad people and situations immediately.

Most children understand good and bad situations innately. They haven’t developed effective verbal communication skills to explain their feelings, but they have a way of communicating immediately how they feel.

Wet diaper? Time to cry.

Make the baby laugh? Gums and giggles.

How do these babies respond to their feelings so quickly? Children use their instincts and guts as their guides.

As an adult we lose this childhood ability to connect with our real feelings. Socialization creates our dependence on reason and logic rather than subconscious gut level sensations to detect what is good and bad for us.

If you train yourself to identify with the bad sensations that you remembered as a child, when you were around bad people or participated in behaviors that were dangerous to your psyche, you will never get fooled by the lies of another person, work with the wrong people or fall in love with a fool.

Your gut instincts will never betray you if you listen closely and carefully. Remember the gut never lies.

Benefit - #2 – You’ve learned how to overcome adversity early.

As a child with a troubled past, I’ve learned how to move past problems quickly. I even struggled with writing this blog, because I despise living in the past.

Whenever I see someone who is whining and complaining about their childhood pain or problems I know that they fall into 3 categories: their using their past pain as a weapon to control people, have no idea that speaking about the past negatively will attract more bad people and bad situations into their life, or they have never really seen adversity at all because someone else in their life took the hits of pain and sorrow for them.

All 3 people I avoid like the plague. Why?

Because complaining and whining are equally contagious; I don’t want their groaning and moaning to affect my life negatively.

I choose to use my childhood experience with pain and struggle to do what some might consider to be the impossible and fight for my daily doses of happiness and respect.

Putting my pain in perspective has helped me to work hard, embrace adversity and become immune to failure.

How you choose to use your childhood struggles, whether they are used to develop positive character traits or helping you learn how to see the benefit in every negative situation, can make the difference between you becoming a winner or a loser.

I encourage you to join me in the winner’s circle. There is plenty of room at the top, if you are willing to let go of your troubled past to claim your bright and beautiful future.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

Often women with low self-worth accept a portion of friendship and love (otherwise referred to by me as crumbs of attention) instead of demanding the whole respectful slice of bread from their group of friends, family or potential suitors.

It’s hard for a girl to recognize sometimes if she is starved for attention, so here is my handy guide to determine if you feigning desperation unconsciously.

Question # 1 - Are you the lucky recipient of the 3 am booty call?

Question # 2 - Did your friend, relative or boyfriend invite you to a party at the last minute, because unfortunately you found out they were having a secret party?

 Question # 3 -Do you find yourself staring at the phone waiting for him to call you for a date, or waiting for the popular girl at school, church or work to invite you into her special club?

Question # 4 - Are you always volunteering for special projects and extra-curricular activities with people who clearly do not like you to gain their interest?

Question # 5 -Do you act as the initiator in all communications with your friend, lover or family? Do you make all the phone calls; send all emails; and remember their birthdays and special celebrations, but they don’t reciprocate?

Question # 6 -Are you always paying for lunches, dinners, gifts and unexpected road trips for your friends?

 Question # 7 -Do you find yourself investing 100% into a relationship with someone who invests only 10%?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not only participating in classic doormat behavior, but you are training people to think that you deserve only small amounts of respect, admiration, love and trust.

So how do you stop turning crumbs of attention into a feast?

1)      Remove yourself from the crumb giver’s life immediately. Going cold turkey is the only way to stop the crumb-loving behavior. If it is a family member who is the crumb giver, reduce your interaction time with them to once a month.

2)      Take time to heal from the abuse cycle that you have participated in for years. Treat yourself to a day of pampering. Get a pedicure, manicure and a massage. You need to reconnect with good feelings associated with pampering yourself, so you can recognize terrible treatment from the emotional abusers in your life.

3)      Identify in your childhood when you started allowing people to mistreat you. Forgive the offender, know matter how hard it may be, and move on.

4)      Learn to say no and mean it.

5)      Recognize that if you continue to reach for crumbs you are telling people over and over again that you don’t matter and are not important.

Before you enter into a new relationship realize that you are worth full amounts of attention, love and support from a partner, whether it is a friend, love interest, co-worker or family member.

I now appoint you Chief Crumbsnatcher. There will be no more crumbs for you. The full loaf of life, love and friendship is what you demand. Go and get your daily slice of happiness today, you deserve it.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

Think thoughts filled with complaints aren’t contagious? Think again. Words are powerful forces of energy, with the power to uplift or damage the speaker and the hearer.

Whoever said sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me…is a liar and should be burned at the stake.  Although an affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one, a negative complaint spreads faster and does more damage than its positive counterpart. Why? Because we don’t realize that most of our daily communication is filled with complaints and we’re conditioned to respond quickly to bad more so than good.

Gossiping, sighing, snarkiness, criticism that is not constructive or administered with love, sarcasm and all form of hateration are complaints in disguise.

Here’s how I practice not complaining and how you can break free of the cycle of negativity that is hurting you and the people you love.

Stop reading gossip blogs, gossip magazines and refrain from associating from the super-duper gossipers in your life.

I was never a big reader of Star Magazine, the National Enquirer or the other infamous gossip rags growing up. In the 80s and 90s these supermarket tabloids were only available at the checkout and stayed far away from my prep school  collection of tomes written by Charlotte Bronte and Maya Angelou.

But with the rise of the internet, gossip is everywhere.

Emails are sent out daily with details of Amy Winehouse’s drug overdose, a shot of Britney Spears’ crotch and Michael Jackson’s latest Neverland escapade. It’s difficult not to read “Go Fug Yourself” Perez Hilton” and “Bossip” without laughing out loud at the misfortune of some celebrity.

How is this related to complaining?

Your are joining a worldwide community of haters and complainers celebrating the misfortune of someone else. Complaining is energy. It is powerful and negative. So while you are roaring with laughter at a celebrity’s pain or embarrassment you are really saying to yourself, “I don’t have what I want and am glad that this poor fool has a bad life too.”

Sounds like a complaint to me.

As an additional stop complaining strategy, don’t forget to silence the biggest gossipers in your life. Stop talking to people who only report gloom and doom. Replace your secret haters with positive people who want the best for you and themselves.

Pay yourself 100 dollars every time you start to complain.

1 dollar, 10 dollars or 50 dollars isn’t painful enough. I wanted to suggest 1,000 dollars, but 100 will do just fine.  100 dollars every hour for a week will not only stop the purchase of the latest Marc Jacobs and Gucci bag you are desiring, but will train you to stop and think about why and how you are complaining.

I tried this once, without telling my beloved hubby, and my personal bank account dwindled into pennies, because I was a chronic complainer and I didn’t even realize it.

Turn every complaint into action.

Complaining is often a symptom of worry. But here is a secret; the antidote to worry is action.

Before you open your mouth to utter a complaint about your life, marriage, career or family, think of 10 ways you can change this situation…and get to moving. I promise that you will be so busy attacking this list of action-filled items that you won’t have the time or energy to complain.

Complaining is a habit that you can break. Start using the strategies above to break free from the negative cycle of complaining. Replace the need to complain with positive energy, positive action and a positive state of being.

Try this exercise for one week, you will be surprised by all of the good things that happen to you once you stop the bad habit of complaining.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

I’m a hopeless romantic. So I used to believe this hopeless crock of Sugar-Honey-Iced-Tea running loosely from the mouths of my former boyfriends. Now that my husband has helped me to heal my broken heart, 1 million times over, I can see the meaning of these words clearly.

These men were trying to help themselves ease any discomfort associated with the breakup. Discomfort not pain. I was hurt. They weren’t.

Rather than tell me the truth about our relationships, a few of my former paramours decided to use this classic line to dump me. This statement kept me in the dark, but moved them closer to the light of freedom from me.

At the time, I was in touch with my pain. Most doormats are. So I could have handled the truth. Instead of telling me “the wonderful wife line”, I would have preferred:

“Mechele, I don’t want to marry you because we don’t have a future together.”

“Mechele, we’re in college. I’m just having a good time.”

And the classic line…

“Mechele, my mother thinks that we are getting too serious. So I’m breaking up with you over the telephone. Oh yeah, by the way, you are going to make someone a wonderful wife.”

Wait a minute. That phone break up situation wasn’t make-believe. It really happened. Yep. I actually had a boy break-up with me over the phone, on his way to the airport. He told me his mother thought there was no future for us together.

Although he was a spineless wienie, who couldn’t make a move without talking to his mommie dearest, at least he told me the truth. He actually did me a favor.

In my house, the wife comes first, the mother is a close second. So if we had dated one second longer or even married, I would have had to battle his mother, for his attention. This push and pull, tug-of-war, between she and I, would have been a nightmare for him and our relationship.

When I was a clueless doormat, I truly believed these words. And I’m glad that I did. Because when my loving husband found me, I knew that this line about making someone a wonderful wife could actually be true.

So ladies, if another man tells you this line when he’s breaking up with you, embrace these positive words. The man of your dreams does exist. He’s waiting for you to get out of the doomed relationship you’re currently in and live happily ever after.

Well, at least for the first year or two of your marriage.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele

Ex-jumpoff. Ex-coworker.

Ex-enemy. Ex-friend.

Ex-buddy. Ex-husband.

Are you constantly thinking about your Exes? Wondering if they’re thinking about you? Hate to burst your perfect bubble, but they’re not.

I assure you that the dreamy reunion you’re hoping to revisit won’t be pleasant. I think of all of my Exes as rocket fuel - particularly the bad ones. They’re the indispensable power source required to launch you into the stratosphere of success, but should never be used again when considering a safe and secure landing.

I regard my Ex-anythings as necessary evils for my superstar development. I’ve learned that the Ex is a highly combustible object that must be contained in my past, to prevent future harm and pain.

For this post, allow my inner science nerd to give you a quick lesson about space flight.

A space shuttle requires 2 rocket boosters to get off the ground. Two minutes after the launch, the boosters fall off the external tank into the ocean, to be recovered by NASA. But ten minutes after the launch the external fuel tank drops from the orbiter and falls into the ocean, never to be used again.

So if you are thinking about googling your Ex to see what they are up to via the web, or emailing them to say what’s up, don’t. Who needs old rocket fuel? Who wants to find an old friend so they can confirm that you are a distant memory that isn’t so special? Why give people another opportunity to make you feel worse?

Get some self-esteem. Move on with your life. Your exes certainly are.

When I see an Ex anything, I’m actually saying to myself as I pass them, “Hello Rocket Fuel. Thanks for the ride.” But you are staying where I left you, deep in the ocean of my past, never to be recovered again.

Live well and love yourself,

Mechele